Is there anything more frustrating than coming across a pair of villains revealing the details of their latest scheme and knowing that if you could only get close enough, you could hear their every word? Havenâ€™t we all dealt with the aggravation of trying to escape a back-stabbing fiend, or the hassle of running from a horde of genetically mutated kangaroos, and thinking, â€œIf only Target offered bioluminescent camouflage at a reasonable price?â€
Well, never fear, loyal readers. From deep in the darkest recesses of Foo, Mr. Obert Skye himself is offering his tips on how to escape your enemies, bewilder your friends and family, and in general just get away with stuff in a four-part series on the art of disguisery.
We give you â€¦ Obert Skyeâ€™s Tips For How To Disguise Yourselfâ€”On a Budget!
Tip Number One: Never Underestimate the Power of Simplicity
A guy named Akham Razer once said, â€œAll things being equal, the simplest answer is usually best,â€ and Mr. Razer is absolutely right. When finances are an issue, an able adventurer needs to be able to think quickly and eliminate complications. Which is why Obert Skyeâ€™s number one game plan when it comes to disguises is to turn out the lights.
Think about it! Would you rather hide in the light or in the dark? Itâ€™s a no-brainer. Plus, youâ€™re saving on electricity (which will really help when that bioluminescent camouflage finally goes on sale) and doing a little favor for our friend Mother Earth while youâ€™re at it.
Waitâ€”is Foo on Earth? Well, never mind about that part. The important thing to remember here is that darkness is our friend. Itâ€™s really super hard to see in the dark, and therefore itâ€™s really super hard to see anyone hiding in the dark. Just be careful not to stub your toe while youâ€™re escaping.
Oh, and also, donâ€™t use this one against werewolves. Trust us on that.
Tip Number Two: Bait and Switch
Itâ€™s a classic concept in both war and sales. Clamor in the east, attack in the west. Advertise free hot dogs, convince people to buy a full-priced dinette set with matching china hutch. If you need to hide, spy, conceal, escape, dash, flee or otherwise abdicate the area, consider this: How will your pursuers recognize you if youâ€™re wearing someone elseâ€™s glasses? (Gasp!)
Of course, this one involves a moderate amount of naughtiness, so we encourage it only to be used in times of real peril. Also, as a money saving measure, itâ€™s less practical, since you will have to buy new glasses later. But on the positive side, youâ€™ve been disguised and simultaneously placed a clever â€œred herringâ€ (also known as a â€œfake clueâ€) to distract your trackers in the form of whatever shmuck youâ€™ve left wearing your own specs.
All in all, not too bad for a dayâ€™s disguising work.
Tip Number Three: Now You See Him, Now You Donâ€™t â€¦
So what happens when youâ€™re in a room with no readily accessible light switch, and no one around you is wearing a pair of glasses you can steal? Itâ€™s simple. Just go put a lampshade on your head and cover yourself with a sheet. Suddenly anyone looking for you wonâ€™t know what to do. It will be like you vanished into thin air, which is the best disguise of all.
Bad Guy 1: Did she just disappear?
Bad Guy 2: She couldnâ€™t have! Check behind that giant covered lamp!
Bad Guy 1: I did! Thereâ€™s no one back here!
Bad Guy 2: Blast! Well, I guess we better go look somewhere else!
Done and done. Just wait a few seconds to make sure theyâ€™re really gone, tear off your disguise (being sure to neatly fold your sheet, as no one appreciates wrinkles) and split in the other direction.
At this point, weâ€™re sure youâ€™re thinking, â€œBut what if the baddies look too closely at the human-sized covered lamp in the room?â€ Thatâ€™s where the true genius of this tip comes in. As we all know from trips to Great-Auntie Blancheâ€™s, cloth-covered furniture is usually super dusty. Most people, but particularly the allergy-prone, will totally beware.
One note of caution: Those with ticklish noses will want to approach this method with care. Several times Mr. Skye has been forced to disguise himself as a covered lamp, and several times he has narrowly avoided giggling when someone has tried to turn him on.
Tip Number Four: A Little Visual Distraction Goes A Long Way
If disguises were football, weâ€™ve already covered blitzes, man-to-man coverage and the hook and ladder. That just leaves the Hail Mary of disguises, boys and girls, and itâ€™s not to be used lightly. When all else has failed, when your back is against the wall, youâ€™ve got to pull out all the stops.
Youâ€™ve got to whip out a pie and smash it into your face.
We know, we know, itâ€™s ingenious. Weâ€™ll give you a second to let it sink in. (The concept â€¦ not the pie. Pie actually does nothing for oneâ€™s complexion. Well, except for mango white chocolate pie with caramel bourbon sauce, but who really has the time to bake that?)
Itâ€™s a truth universally acknowledged that a face covered in pie is less recognizable than a face not covered in pie. And as Mr. Skye points out, â€œEven if your enemies arenâ€™t fooled, theyâ€™ll be distracted by the sweet, sweet smell of pie.â€ Mr. Skye personally recommends lemon meringue, as it is particularly effective on both visual and aromatic grounds, though any pie will do in a sticky situation.
One small drawback, though â€¦ you will have to constantly arm yourself with pie.